I have never had a hard time sleeping(well, extremely rare anyway). However, tonight I was in bed staring at the ceiling. So, instead of just lying there, I decided to come unload some thoughts on blogger. Be warned, it is going to be random and sporadic.
I am not sure if there is a set time for people to be kind about a lost loved one, but if there is then it is apparently over for how some people talk about my mother around me. Let me just say that I am probably reading into some of them more than is there, but it still stings.
As a teacher I learned that no matter how many ways, or how hard I try to teach someone something, they are not ever going to learn it if THEY don't want to or try. I would always become frustrated, but in the end I always thought "Well, that is their loss" But this lesson is harder to accept as a parent. My kids are very young and I have not experienced this so much with them yet, but I watched my parents struggle with this with my siblings and me. I would see the frustration, disappointment, and heartache in their eyes. I felt that as I would do something that was contrary to their teachings and examples. I fear this as a parent, but know that some lessons are better learned through experience rather than words. It won't make it any easier to watch their mistakes. I only hope and pray that I can teach them what they need to know to make good decisions and how to return when they don't. I hope they will always know that I love them dearly and always will.
With that said, I want everyone to know that regardless of how I turned out, I was taught with love through scripture, prayer, and example. I have not learned all the lessons my parents have taught me yet, but am truly doing my best to make them proud of who I am.
We fed the missionaries dinner the other night and one of them asked us to think of someone who has influenced us in our lives. Then he wanted us to think of what we could do to show/tell them that we appreciate them. My thoughts turned first to my mother. She was/is a remarkable person. The only thing that I can really do to show her my gratitude now is to live the way she taught me to live. That got me thinking of the MANY things she tried to instill in me.
So, here is a list of only SOME of the things that she taught(remember that I am still trying to learn them).
Marriage is important and can be extremely happy when you give it your all.
Anything you want to know or how to do, you can learn
Callings are not only to be accepted, but magnified(and enjoyed)
How to work
A clean house is happier
Dinner around the table with your family should happen every night
Our talents are to be developed and enjoyed
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is true
There is always something more to be learned, you never know everything about something
Love the sinner, Hate the sin
Parenting is largely a guessing game, but is also a battle of wills(you will conquer if you are following God's will)
The Atonement is for each of us
We should make decisions that will help us get to the Temple
If all I ever do is my absolute best, then it will be enough.
Families can be together forever
I know that my mother knew these things because I saw her live it everyday. I am not trying to say that my mother was perfect. She wasn't. There were things about her that drove me crazy, but when I think of the things she was striving to do to be a good example-I am impressed.
I am impressed that my parents loved and cared for my grandmother(even through difficult years for her) for many many years. That alone showed patience, but rearing 5 children in the same house with her, and keeping a loving relationship with each other and her, is nothing short of a miracle.
I am impressed that they were able to decide together how they were going to rear us and they banded together to do that even with criticism from family who thought they knew better. Their example of a happy marriage and unconditional love for one another is impressive. Their ability to work through disagreements was seemingly effortless(I have learned that it is harder than it appeared, but possible and worth it).
I watched both parents serve in time demanding callings while rearing 5 children and it seemed to me that they were always excited and happy to serve.
I watched them give and take with "traditional" chores around the house.
I watched as they both worked tirelessly to help those in need and take them in their hearts.
I watched my mother do what was necessary to care for my father's mother when no one else wanted to do the difficult tasks.
Etc. etc. etc.
One of the things that I am trying to learn that my mother seemed to always do well is to not let people make her feel less important or loved. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and we are to help each other, not tear each other down. Mom seemed to know the proper time to verbally stand up for herself and when to just let it roll off her back. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an extremely emotional person. I am pretty much a textbook hormonal female. I try to be level-headed when I am insulted or when someone I care about is insulted, but I have not had as much successes with that as I would like. However, I am doing my best to overcome this personality fault, and trust me when I say that I do a pretty good job of beating myself up. I really don't need much help in that department. So, when you have something critical to say, please keep it constructive and in a loving way.
I have had some experiences this past month of people implying or just plain saying that I wasn't taught something they thought I should have been taught by my parents. I am here to tell you that it wasn't from lack of trying. Being a parent is difficult and I am learning this more and more as my children get older. However, if all I do is my best then it will be enough. AND I feel that my parents did their best(and still are).
I truly believe that we are families before we come to this earth and we are paired to each other because we are the ones to best help each other reach our potential if we work our hardest. I KNOW that my parents were the best parents I could ask for because they are mine and they are exactly what I needed. I KNOW that my children are in my family because I can offer what they need to progress in this life and they can help me in my journey as well. I KNOW that Jason was meant for me because only he can put up with my emotional swings and accept me for who I am while helping me to become a better me.
I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and is blessing me each and every day. I KNOW that my Savior Jesus Christ suffered for my sins, pains, sicknesses, and heartache. I KNOW that through the Atonement I can return to my Heavenly home, and be with my family forever. I KNOW that if I make good decisions that I will be reunited with my mother. And I hope that she will tell me that she is proud of me and the woman I have become. I am grateful for my family and the happiness they bring into my life.
