Thinking can lead to tears

For the past week or so I have had a great deal of trouble sleeping. I can't seem to get comfortable(or when I finally do I have to get up to go to the bathroom and then start all over trying to get comfortable again). So that leaves me thinking. Sometimes it is a good thing and I gain true inspiration to struggles I am having. But, lately it has left me more troubled in my heart than anything else. I am not sure if every pregnant woman goes through this, but I start visualizing horrible circumstances pertaining to delivery. I wonder what it would be like if David didn't survive. How could I possibly recover from that? And then I wonder how hard it would be on Jason if I didn't survive and what he would do(we have discussed this a little).

Most often though I think of how awful it will be not to share this with my mother(especially if there are complications). This thought has entered my head everyday for about 2 weeks. I don't have the strength in my heart to fight the tears anymore(I know this is part pregnancy, part fatigue, and part mourning). Then come questioning looks from my children. Cailyn always asks why I am crying while ready to hug and/or cry with with me if needed. Jessica always asks me to pick her up so she can wipe the tears off my face. They are so sweet, and I know I wouldn't make it through some of these episodes without their caring spirits close by.

It is moments like these that make it seem impossible that it is real. That she could really be gone. I just want to pick up the phone and call her, to talk pregnancy and delivery with her(even though her experiences with these are complete opposite from my own). I want to talk to her about caring for a little boy and the different experiences I will have with that. She would have loved to pick out clothes and help me get the room ready for him. I know that there are so many women I can talk to about these things, but I am sure that all of you will agree that it is somehow different when it is your mother you are talking to.

There are times when I hear of others spending time with their mothers and talking to them that I feel overwhelmed with either jealousy or anger that I don't have that opportunity anymore. I know it is wrong, and I try to fight it. However, I don't always have the strength to do so. I am weak and I don't feel like I am getting stronger, I am losing strength. Please forgive me if I have ever directed this toward you.

I think that the Lord overestimates my strength.

I know that the adversary is tearing me down and I need to fight it. What I need to do is turn to the Lord and trust in His strength. I know that he has felt this pain and despair and I can lean on Him to overcome it. I know that I have a support system in my home and in the Gospel. Why do I feel that because I am a woman I am supposed to have the ability to do this without complaint or struggle? However, when I stop to listen and plea for help I am reassured that I don't have to do it alone. I can call on Him and find comfort and strength. Right now I need Him to remind me to ask for help, instead of being swallowed up by these terrible thoughts.

I am sorry for this negative post. I just feel the need to get it out. I am sure that a couple of months/years down the road I will come back to read this and think, "Cry me a river, Mindi. Get over it."

Blessing for February 10, 2009:

Temples and the opportunity to be an Eternal Family.