I find myself in a weird place and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to get back to life and move on from the nightmare I have lived for several months, but I don't know how. I am writing my posts and trying to keep them upbeat, yet I feel almost disrespectful to my Mom for doing so-OR I feel like it is somehow fake. Most of the time I can move from moment to moment just like normal, but if I stop to rehash the events of the past months I fall apart. Trials are supposed to make us stronger right? Why do I not feel that way? How do I move on? These are things I would usually talk to Mom about, but I can't. I do talk to Jason, but what do you say to someone who has just lost a parent or loved one? I can't even come up with something to say to my siblings, so how can I expect more from Jason. I do feel comfort that I have the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that if I make good choices I can be with her again, but that seems so far away and I want her close right now. Hugs are always a good thing(sometimes just because the one hugging me can't see my ugly cry face).
As I stop and think of all my blessings, even through this trial, I am overwhelmed by the love shown me and my family. I think of the many people who are facing the same trial, but harder. I think of the pain that was spared my mother and the strength she showed to everyone around her as she lay on her death bed. She loved people and constantly cared for them in anyway possible. I pray that I can make her proud by standing for righteousness the way she did.
Most of all I love her dearly and miss her deeply.