One Month

Today marks one full month since Mom passed. I have tried so hard to not think about it, but it is haunting me. So, I started using my 'tools' to try and work through my emotions rather than run from them(my extremely HOT therapist's suggestion). I have started a journal entry about the past several months(I am not very consistent with my journal). I feel that if I write them down I don't have to keep running them through in my head; seeing images and revisiting extremely strong emotions. So, I sat to add to that, and of course cried through it. Then, when I felt strong again, my sister called after a very emotionally hard day. I immediately started crying with her. I feel like crying is really good to do also, but I am tired of crying so hard that I can't breathe. And, at the same time I feel somehow lifted after releasing some of that with her.

There are days and moments when I feel like I am healing from all of this, and then the other moments when I feel trapped in a bubble with life happening around me. I know that I am healing, it is just harder than I want it to be. The realization is the thing I don't want to face, yet I can never avoid it.

As I stop to pray and ponder of the potential growth that I can receive I feel blessed that Mom can give that to me as well as her lifetime of example. I feel so inadequate, like I should be able to show more for it. I realize that will come in time, but I wish I didn't feel so weak. People have told me that they admire my strength, but I feel like a fragile piece of china that needs to be handled with care or shatter to pieces.

I do want to bear my Testimony. I know that my Mom is happy and at peace. I know and feel that my Heavenly Father loves me and sends comfort in the way that I need it most. I know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is here on the Earth today and is led by Jesus Christ through our dear prophet Thomas S. Monson. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and can give us guidance if we will let it. Most of all I know that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. I know that he suffered for me. Not only for my sins but he also felt my heartaches and knows my heart better than I do. I trust in my Savior and know that if I follow Him I will be healed and given the strength to lift others the way you all have lifted me. I love my Heavenly Father, His son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.