Attacked

While putting clean dishes away this morning so I could clean some more, I was attacked by an overwhelming emotion of loss. I found myself thinking of how much Mom would have enjoyed seeing the girls in their costumes. How much she would have loved to see Palmyra, or even just talk to me about it, sharing her testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. How much excitement she would show about our newest baby and how much he is growing.
Now, when I say attacked, I mean ATTACKED. It came on so fast. Usually I can feel these emotions coming on and prepare a bit for them, or force them away. But this one gave no warning. I fell victim to this emotion and was unable to do or think of anything else for several minutes, sobbing and whimpering in the kitchen while the girls played happily in the other room.
There are times when I just ache to talk to her. There are no replacements for a conversation with my mom, or her comfort. I find myself jealous of my children because they can come to me when thy get hurt or feel sad and find that emotional balance that only moms can give.
The other day I had a conversation with someone who expressed her irritation with her mother. While I can't say that I never felt that while my mother was alive(I did many times), I didn't quite know how to respond. I cannot say that I always got along with my mom, but now there are times when being with her and talking to her is the only thing in the world I want to do. I know that every daughter is annoyed my her mother at some point in her life and I wanted to let this girl know that I understood, but I just couldn't right then. I hope that I didn't make anyone feel weird during that conversation(that was certainly not intentional if I did), and I hope that people can still talk to me about whatever is bothering them, but I guess there are times when I can't show empathy properly. I apologize. Eventually I will get past this and be strong enough to help others, it is just taking me a while to get there.
As the holidays draw closer, I can't describe how much I miss my mother. She loved the holidays. Christmas was HUGE at her house. The entire house was covered in Christmas trees and you could always hear Christmas carols being sung(either by my parents or on CD). I think the Holidays will always be hard now. There will always be someone missing.
So, here I am crying uncontrollably while my sweet Cailyn stays close to comfort. She sings, hugs, and loves when I need her to. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me because he gave me a loving mother, but also that he gave me a loving daughter willing to comfort at appropriate times. I don't think I could make it through this without her sweet loves. Thank you, my dearest Cailyn! I love you!